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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

«I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.»
«I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg (Comedian) | Keywords: do drugs, drugs, drug use
«I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg (Comedian) | Keywords: slept
«I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.»
«I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.»
«I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.»
«I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...»
«I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.»
«2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg (Comedian) | Keywords: bullshit, term
«When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.»
Author: Mitch Hedberg (Comedian) | Keywords: flyer

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