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kids

«The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.»
«The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids»
«Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework»
«No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.»
«No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.»
«When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.'»
«On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.»
«Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.»
«That's the interesting thing about becoming a father. Suddenly you universally have something in common with other people. I can be sitting next to a very straight, humorless businessman or stockbroker type on an airplane and we'll just start talking about kids. And that conversation last three or four hours.»
«The reason why kids are crazy is because nobody can face the responsibility of bringing them up.»

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